Break My Heart For What Breaks Yours

I'm not a theologian or any kind of biblical scholar.

I don't know all the "formulas" for prayer that seem to take off in popularity in the Church from time to time.

I sometimes have a mouth that sounds like I just finished a stint in the Navy and tonight I found myself needing to read a weeks worth of my One Year Bible to get caught up because life happens and my quiet time often gets away from me.

I am an abundance of imperfections.

But I love Jesus.

And I wholeheartedly believe every word He said and everything He did and that the way He treated people is the only right way.

So my prayer is always simply "break my heart for what breaks Yours" because I don't want to miss the person in need on the corner or my patient in pain who is trying to be stoic and not telling me or or my friend who is sinking but doesn't want to trouble me because of my health issues.

I want to really see people, like Jesus does.

That prayer often leads to an aching heart but today it is just busted wide open:

The largest mass shooting in American history.

At least 50 people dead.

More than 50 injured.

Even more who were held hostage who will undoubtedly have severe psychological wounds to deal with.

Another terrorist attack by an ISIS extremist.

I woke up to all of this today and was in total shock.

And, then, I saw a statement from the godless idiots at Westboro Baptist Church, saying that God had inspired this attack.

That's right, y'all.

God is now dispatching ISIS gunmen to kill people that the Fundies don't like.

After I saw that, and a few other posts on Facebook that made my blood boil and my brain hurt, I decided that, other than checking CNN for updates on what is actually happening at the scene, I wasn't going to read anymore about it today.

And I haven't.

But I have been thinking and praying about it a lot.

And I have a couple of simple thoughts:

As followers of Jesus, we should be like firemen - running as fast as we can to rescue and bring oxygen - when it comes to providing support to everyone affected by this tragedy. 

As individuals and churches, we should be the first ones in, ready to do whatever it takes to help, without question or condition.

Why?

Because that IS loving these people.

That is what Jesus would do.

Honestly, Jesus might well have been inside talking to everyone when it happened were He walking around here in 2016.

Take a reread of the Gospels if you don't believe me.

He loved people. He went to them where ever they were and met their needs. Surely we are to do the same?

This isn't the time for polictical debate or a battle of the bible verses or to be distracted by the external issues.

It is a time to show extra love and compassion and tenderness.

A time for prayer.

A time to share in the pain and grief of many families.

Why?

Because it is what Jesus would do.

And it is the very best thing we can offer to victims of this tragedy now.

A Tale of Amazing Books - and unmotivated children. . .

As a life-long word nerd, books are among my very favorite things.

I am always in the middle of at least three, and, now that I have discovered Thriftbooks with its free shipping with $10 purchase, I always have more books en route to my house.

I want them all.

So, today, I was looking over my Summer reading list (or at least the first part of it) and it didn't take long for my wandering train of thought to start thinking on my all-time favorites.

After giving it some serious thought, I even came up with the list:

My Favorite Books - So Far (in no particular order)

1. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte

2. Love Is A Mix Tape - Rob Sheffield

3. Beach Music - Pat Conroy

4. The Ragamuffin Gospel - Brennan Manning

5. Love Does - Bob Goff

6. The Giving Tree - Shel Silverstein 

7. Harry Potter. All of them. (Nerds rule, y'all.)

8. Raw Faith - Kasey Van Norman

9. The Prophet - Kahlil Gibran

10. The Complete Collected Poems Of Maya Angelou

11. Our Town - Thornton Wilder

12. Their Eyes Were Watching God - Zora Neale Hurston

13. Walden - Henry David Thoreau

14. A Simple Path - Mother Teresa

15. All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten - Robert Fulghum

16. New & Selected Poems - Mary Oliver

And there are so many more I love that aren't included here. And the quest continues for my next favorite. . . ;)

And I have my reads for the next several weeks:

This week, I am rereading Raw Faith, getting ready to hear the author speak this weekend (yay!!!) and I also have a collection of Allen Ginsberg poetry and a book about learning the ukulele to add to the stack that aren't pictured.

So I'm all set for a bit.

I LOVE to read.

And I raised my children to love books as well.

I've read to these children from birth. I've bought them countless books. I've encouraged literature in every way.

So what has gone awry?

It seems that none of them have any assigned summer reading, and, despite my encouraging them to pick up a book, I am watching their brains break a little more each day as they watch TV and listen to songs about butts.

Every day I believe they are losing a few IQ points.

If current trends continue, by August, they may not be able to read at all.

I must intervene.

So, what happens to teenagers who ignore their mother's polite suggestions that they read for pleasure?

They get to read against their will.

Painful reading.

Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, anyone?

Or maybe some Dickens?

For Whom The Bell Tolls should be fascinating to those who passed up the opportunity to choose their own literature.

Oh, and since my daughters truly loved seeing Les Mis, I see no reason they shouldn't both find the novel equally enjoyable. . . ;)

I'm so serious, y'all.

School has been out less than two weeks and not a thought has been thunk by anyone under 21 in our home that I can tell.

So, today, I am going to offer them one more chance to select their own book, begin reading it, and discuss it with me. I'm only going to mention it once.

When I get home from work in the morning, if they have no book to show me, and no thoughts to share, assigned reading it is.

I'll even throw in book reports and red pens for good measure.

It is the only way to stop the madness. ;)

Save Me, San Francisco

It's no secret that we have been having one hell of a time trying to help our oldest child recently.

In addition to dealing with serious mental illness, there have been two separate incidents that she reported, one in the fall and one last month, that are currently being investigated by the proper authorities.

As they are under investigation now, I am not going to give any specifics here, except to say that both alleged incidents occurred when she was where she was not supposed to be, with people she was not supposed to be with.

This has added to our frustration as parents, but, as anyone who has parented a strong willed teenager knows, they tend to find a way to do whatever it is they set their minds to.

I won't pretend I know all of her story and I won't attempt to tell it.

I'm just trying to find the truth in all of this.

And my posts are my part of the story.

And, right now, I am just at the end of my rope with it all.

We have to go in a few hours to give a second statement regarding the May episode and I have really been struggling with it.

I have been looking through the phone I confiscated (that she was not supposed to have) and thinking over what I can recall of her behavior that day.

As it happened, it was a special day for her siblings, with a lot of unusual activity, so I remember more than an average "cook dinner, do dishes, get ready for my shift" type of day.

As I've been thinking through everything and praying about it all, so much has been going through my head.

I have already been through this cycle once, talking to attorneys, social workers, police detectives. . .

I already know the questions that will be asked of me, when I talk to them away from her.

I have no idea what she will say for her part.

It is not up to me and I am not asking.

For my part, I have taken a step back and looked at this through the lens of mental health professional myself.

I've remembered all of my own training and really looked over everything.

I've decided that I am going to have to say some things that my child is not going hear well.

It's not going to be pretty.

But it is the right thing to do and it is necessary.

So I will.

And, since my stress level is this high and it is only June 2nd, I am over Summer Break already.

I am ready to load up my husband, the dogs, and even the cat (because y'all know he loves a road trip), smash our cell phones, and drive cross country to the Golden Gate Bridge, taking in all the sights along the way.

We'll head back in time for football season and try again for a better Fall 2016. . . ;)

Sadly, since running away is frowned upon, Plan B is to survive this meeting and get some sleep when I get home so I can pull through the rest of the work week.

Oh, and I am strongly encouraging everyone I gave birth to to go out of their way to make sure it is a peaceful weekend at Hillside Drive.

And next weekend my mother in love and I have a fabulous conference where we get to hear one of my very favorite writers!

It's going to get better.

I know it.

This morning's schedule just really bites.

Be well and have a good rest of the week, y'all!

Things We Cannot Change

Mumford & Sons

On Instagram, there is a community of autoimmune fighters, all women, who have bonded over daily struggles and cheer each other on and provide support for one another through the things that healthy people sometimes aren't able to understand.

Though we will likely never meet face to face, I am thankful for these ladies. I pray for them and count them as friends.

One friend is a fellow nurse who is a few years younger than I am. She is engaged and has two adorable fur babies.

Unfortunately, she has been horribly sick, staying in the hospital for months at a time, fighting multiple infections along the way, and all meds have failed.

Yesterday, my heart was broken for her when I learned that she has entered hospice care at 35 years old.

I realize, given her health status, that this is the best option for her, but it just kills me that there is nothing more that can be done.

When I learned this, I had just picked up a new insanely expensive medicine in addition to a bunch of my monthly meds at the pharmacy.

I was not happy.

Sometimes it's hard not to be resentful that making healthcare "affordable" for somebody out there has also made it a Herculean task to get all the meds needed to keep me alive and functioning.

After learning the news about my friend though, I just took a moment of pause and thanked the Lord for my wonderful husband providing our insurance, for always being able to get the meds somehow, and that they are working to some degree, even if we haven't gotten to the place we want to be yet.

As I think about my friend, I can't help but remember that she has gone from planning her wedding to planning her memorial service within a year.

I'm not being morbid. It's just reality.

So, as Psalm 90 says, we should number our days and remember how few they are.

Get busy doing life.

Love God and love people.

Write the book.

Take up painting.

Get the ink.

Help everybody you can along the way.

Do the triathlon.

Go back to school.

Whatever it is that has been calling your name forever, the thing you just really need to do, do it.

And don't give a damn what anybody thinks.

The ones who really matter will be cheering the loudest.

Have a happy weekend, y'all. Be blessed. Be well.

Love you, Lyla.

At Long Last, The Meeting With Dr. T

Yesterday morning, I finally had my appointment at UAB with my new rheumatologist, Dr. Trojanowski.

 I met with him and his fellow, Dr. Neely, and they spent about an hour with me.

If you aren't familiar with what a fellowship is, after a doctor has completed their residency and practiced on their own for awhile, they may choose to do a fellowship for two years in a specialty that they want to become board certified in.

Both Dr. T and Dr. Neely were really approachable, great listeners, and excellent when it comes to explaining their thought process and discussing our options. I felt very comfortable with them.

After taking a through history and examining me, we discussed the treatment plan I have been under, and it seems that several parts of it have been doing more harm than good.

Over the next few months, we will be working towards coming off of the prednisone (Thank God!) and some other meds as well.

We will be keeping the Plaquenil (so I'll never get Malaria - hehehehe) and have increased the Methotrexate (the chemo drug) to the maximum dosage and changed it to an injection that I will give myself once a week.

Changing over to the injection will allow me to get all of the medication (instead of losing 30% of it in the GI tract) and also hopefully reduce some of the GI side effects.

To decide which biologic to add, some additional testing was needed.

Where my previous rheumatologist never did any xrays, Dr. T did 30 at this visit, in addition to drawing 13 vials of blood for labs.

I will go back in three weeks and, based on all these results, learn if we will be adding another injection or an infusion.

I am much more comfortable with Dr. T managing my care and I am confident that we will find the best course of treatment.

For now, I have just given myself my first Methotrexate injection and am beginning to experience the chemo sleepies so it is nap and blankie time for me.

Here's hoping today's side effects are minimal!

Happy Wednesday, y'all!

New Things

I've had several things I've been meaning to do and just never seem to get started on and I've decided there is no time like the present.

Since I should be starting a new treatment plan with my new rheumatologist tomorrow, I'm going to restart a brown rice and veggies diet this afternoon - after I enjoy Mother's Day lunch with my mom. I think it will help and I'll never know if I don't try it.

I'm also going to alternate days between Level One Yoga Meltdown and our elliptical machine for exercise at home:

I think it will help my joints and I know it will help my stress.

But the thing I'm most excited about is this guy:

His name is Bob (as in Marley) and I lub him.

My amazing husband gave me him and a  beautiful guitar as gifts and I plan to learn to play them both. (I also think it's another thing that will keep dexterity in my lil' RA hands as an added bonus.)

Last night, I got Bob down from his stand, tuned him, and started a Pinterest board of Ukelele chords and tutorials and the like.

As I was pinning, what should appear but this guy:

And I was so stinkin' excited. I decided it was a sign from the Lord that it is, indeed, time for me to learn to play Bob. =D

Needless to say, Bob and I can now play and sing Three Little Birds (badly). ;)

Learning a new instrument always sounds terrible for awhile BUT I'm having fun and getting started on my new things and that's what matters.

All prayers, good vibes, and warm fuzzies for tomorrow's appointment are greatly appreciated. It is so important that it go well.

I'm going to do my part to do everything I can to help myself. I'm just praying this doctor wants to work as a team and really listen and do his part as well.

Nursing Is My Jam

This is my 13th year celebrating National Nurse's Day and it has been a wild, wonderful ride for sure.

After I graduated nursing school, I worked my first year as a nurse at Healthsouth Medical Center, with a phenomenal team of nurses.

It was there that I learned how to start an IV practically with my eyes closed, how to pack a Stage Four pressure ulcer and at least make it out of the room before I vomited, how to give patients news that no nurse wants to give, and how to be a strong nurse, no matter what. (Oh, and never to wear lace underpants with white scrubs. ;)

I also encountered a certain well-known sports medicine physician there, who is one of the rudest human beings I've ever met, and learned that not all doctors are created equal.

As much as I loved working there, staffing changes came when UAB bought out the hospital (thank you, Mr. Scrushy) and it was a better choice for me to begin working as an agency nurse at the end of 2004.

With the agency, I got some incredible experience.

I did long-term assignments in cardiology,  endocrinology,  at the state psychiatric hospital, and at the county hospital, to name a few.

Doing a long term contract at Bryce, the state psychiatric hospital, was great experience and helped me really learn to fend for myself as there was often no back up when things happened.

I remember one night in particular that we had a serious incident and I could not get in touch with the Bryce police to save my life so I had to manage it alone.

However, when I was leaving the next morning, the Bryce police appeared to pull me over for speeding on campus. Grrrr.

By the time I got done asking where the hell they had been a few hours before, they decided a warning was sufficient for my speeding.

After Bryce, I did a year assignment at Cooper Green, the county hospital, when they still had inpatient beds.

That experience was unlike any other.

Often, the staff was entirely unconcerned with assisting agency nurses, I was often overloaded with patients, and supplies were extremely limited to say the least.

Every shift I just had to manage.

The absolute hardest day of my nursing career is burned into my brain:

I went into work, signed up for a double.

I was assigned eight patients, I had no nursing assistant so I would be providing total care, two of them had full blown AIDS, and two of them were actively dying. And one of the patients who was actively dying weighed 368lbs and I had no one to help me with him.

During that 16 hour shift, both of the dying patients did and I had to provide post mortem care, notify their families, and take them to the morgue myself, one of my patients with AIDS kept pulling out his IV, causing blood to go everywhere, and creating a biohazardous mess for me, and another patient kept having seizures.

It was the worst damn day.

But I made it.

And, after I made it through that, I knew I could make through anything.

Another agency stop was a long term pediatrics assignment about ten years ago.

The nurse I worked with, Nicole, taught me everything about peds. Nursing friendships are a strong bond and we remained friends through the years:

As it happens, when hell broke loose a few months ago at my previous job, she needed a night shift nurse and she is now my Director of Nursing.

Such a blessing.

All that experience gave me the strength to provide end of life care for my precious grandmother in March of 2014 and I am so thankful I knew exactly what to do for her to keep her comfortable and that I was able to be with her until the very end.

These days, I work night shift in long term care and I love it.

Some nights are quiet, some are crazy busy. We have lots of hilarious moments and some really hard ones. But it's great.

I can't imagine myself doing anything else.

So, Happy Nurse's Day/Week, Everybody!

Here's to many more!