Happy New Year 2016!

It's New Year's Eve and I am cheering for the Crimson Tide with my better half whilst I get ready to go ring in the New Year with my patients.

And, of course, it's also time for a little look back and some goal setting too.

When I looked up my Best Nine (my most liked pictures on Instagram) from last year, this is what I found:

And, in a strange way, these pictures do cover a lot: 

-  My nursing career (which I love).

-  Tattoo outings with my better half for my life verse symbol (always awesome).

- The fall goals I wasn't healthy enough to meet that finally prompted a major job change.

- My country.

- My faith.

- Meeting Jewel (gahhhh!).

- Sweet surprises from even sweeter friends (Thanks, Al!).

- Our wild unruly adorable furbabies.

- My commitment to beating RA.

This year brought plenty of stress (that's life), but, in the end, I found a great new night shift nursing job that is only a few miles from home, found an amazing church home, lost 30 prednisone pounds, read lots of good books, and had a great time with family, friends and fur babies.

Overall, a great one I say.

And, of course, no New Year's post is complete without some goals for the new year:

2016 - It's Gonna Be A Good One

1. Faith and family first. Schedules tend to get so crazy at times and last year we missed a lot of church when I was sick and starting Methotrexate and working a stressful job. This year, getting us all to church together each week is my goal. I love that our church has online church for the times when it is just not possible but I want to physically be there more often than not.

2. As I said in my previous post, I'll be doing lots of reading and working on my little blog. So excited!

3. I am restarting my Tone It Up eating and exercise plan. My running days are over (my RA insisted) but walking and yoga are perfect for me. I do hope to finish my weight loss goal but I'm not even putting a number on it this year. As long as I'm feeling good and healthy, I'm happy with my results.

That's All, Folks! ;)

I'm keeping it simple this year so I don't need a personal secretary to keep up with my New Year's goals.

Wishing you all peace, love, good books, good food, fun, and a Happy New Year!

I'll be doing some real blogging in 2016

As is pretty obvious here, I have been terribly neglectful of my little blog this past year.

At my previous job, I would get home just exhausted and never seemed to have the time or energy to get anything really started with it even though I wanted to.

Fortunately though, my new job (and the major schedule change that came with it) has been such a blessing and I have decided that one of my goals for 2016 (I'm not using the R word) will be to blog often during the week.

I will be changing it up a bit though.

I was looking around today at my current reading situation.

This is my bedside table:

And this is the small "To Read Next" stack in my window sill:

And there is a much larger "To Read Next" shelf in my library.

And a long Amazon book wish list. . .

You get the point.

So, this year, my blog will be mostly about the books I'm reading and ideas I find in my devotionals and that sort of thing.

My inner bookworm is very excited about this change.

So here is my current Word Nerd status:

I just finished reading through the New Testament and rereading one of my favorite books by Bob Goff called Love Does.

This book is so high on my Favorite Books Ever List that our friend Rebekah painted this lovely sign for our home:

And, while I'm sure there will be a post (or six) about it to come in the future, for now, I will just offer this quote:

“Living a life fully engaged and full of whimsy and the kind of things that love does is something most people plan to do, but along the way they just kind of forget… [We need to] just land the plane on our plans to make a difference by getting to the “do” part of faith. That’s because love is never stationary. In the end, love doesn’t just keep thinking about it or keep planning for it. Simply put: love does.” - Bob Goff


If you haven't read it, drop what you are reading and get it.

You'll be glad you did.

As for my very near future books:

Right now, I'm reading Simply Jesus, which is just essentially a harmony of all of the Gospels, in chronological order. I thought it would be a nice way to start the new year.

After I finish it, I'm starting a study of the Torah (the first five books of the Bible), which I'm actually pretty excited about it (weird, I know).

See, a few weeks ago, a blogger I really like, Hannah Brencher, posted about studying the Torah and said this:

"This week, I begin studying the Torah and creating lines between the Jewish roots my faith was built upon and New Testament that became my roof. The Hebrew text screams and offers me a million roads to walk upon to better understand this love story. To disregard the Torah in studying is to miss half of the story. . .How did I ever go this long thinking roots were not the foundation of everything?"

That thought stuck with me.

Then, as I was studying a prayer guide I picked up at church a few months ago, I came across this wonderful model of a Tabernacle Prayer based on the Temple.

And then several references to the Torah and studying the Old Testament kept appearing in different devotionals that I am working through.

So I got the message.

And I ordered a book to study the Torah. 

I think it will be great.

I'll be posting about it here.

As well as the new Jen Hatmaker book my sweet Sara Marie gave me for Christmas I'll be reading also. And I feel a Harry Potter reread coming soon as well as a trip to Narnia. And Jefferson Bethke has a new book out that is supposed to be wonderful. And I will be reading all those "To Be Read" books I have stacked up. And I am waiting on a book of Mary Oliver poems to arrive any day. . .

Be well and have a great week!

Love, peace, and good books to you all. 

New Diagnoses, New Lessons, and New Work

I've said before how much I love this book but, again, I encourage everyone to read it, particularly anyone facing health challenges.

I recently had a diagnosis of ankylosing spondylitis added to my list of autoimmune ailments and, though that was expected, it still rattled me a bit.

I picked up my copy of Raw Faith, which Kasey wrote about her facing non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, and have been rereading it.

In chapter 11, one of her journal entries really spoke to my heart and resonated with me in a new way:

"The longer I sit with Lord in this season of cancer, the more I pray for healing and a miracle, the more I understand one thing: I do not need the Lord to heal me.

What I need is the faith to trust him no matter what happens.

In this, I have begun to realize that great faith is borne in the great unknowns of life."

---------------------------------------------

I started this blog entry over a week ago, after my doctor made me aware of my new diagnosis on November 6th and had saved up to the line above.

Things got busy though, with me trying to make some big decisions about my job, and reducing stress, and what would be best for our family, and praying for the right answers.

I had several interviews set up but ultimately my husband and I were both really hoping that a specific position with a great schedule for me and more time at home that is literally five minutes from my house would work out.

All seemed to be going great when I got a scary call to come back in because the facility is so small that it gives its own drug screens and the one it gave me was defective. 

Per their policy, my application was to be discarded, end of discussion.

However, my future boss said she just knew it wasn't correct and decided to call me back in to to redo it anyway.

Of course, the repeat was fine.

In my heart and down to my toes, I KNOW that is one of those examples of God making things happen that are part of His plan and I am so so thankful.

I will miss my sweet work friends and my patients at my old job but I am so ready for less pressure (and therefore less health problems) and more time with my family.

I am so ready and thankful for this new season. 

Arriving Fashionably Late (as always) for Invisible Illness Awareness Week

Invisible Illness Awareness Week ended yesterday, but our lives have been in a state of chaos recently, with a child ill, my husband dealing with an extremely demanding work schedule, and other assorted issues, so I totally missed it until today.

However, now I am aware of it, and I do feel lead to share some thoughts on my experience living with an "invisible" chronic illness, which is debilitating more often than I'd like to think about.

First, to explain briefly the idea of an "invisible" illness.

Many illnesses, like Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Dysautonomia, Gastroparesis, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and countless others, have severe symptoms that can be life-altering, and even life-threatening, but, externally, the person suffering from the illness may look fine.

For example, even on a really bad day when I get up in severe pain, if I take all of my medication (17 pills in the morning), take a hot shower, stretch, put on "my face", style my hair, and force myself out the door, I probably look okay, other than moving slow.

Because of this, people who do not understand invisible illness tend to think that these illnesses are less serious than they actually are.

For me, at least, dealing with RA has been a beast since the beginning.

Simply having it is unsettling but what is even more troubling is how unpredictable it is.

For example, on my latest treatment, though I still had plenty of areas of pain, including my knees, I thought the burning pain in them that used to bother me so, was gone, as I had not experienced it in some time.

Suddenly, on Saturday, it came back as a searing pain, worse than I've had before.

On Sunday, it was growing stronger and again this morning it seemed to be worsening still.

Needless to say, today was an unscheduled high dose steroid day.

This is in addition to my hands having a mini-flare and my spine hurting at a 6/10 right now and whatever else decides to stage a rebellion this week.

In addition to the pain, RA comes with crippling fatigue. I've never experienced anything like it before. I liken it to literally hitting a wall. When it hits, I cannot go on.

Due to my inability to predict which of my joints will be affected at what time or how severe a flare will be or how long it will last or when overwhelming fatigue will strike, I could receive things like disabled parking and other services for people living with disabilities, but I, like most people, will wait until I absolutely have to utilize those things.

However, there are many people with similar diagnosis who already do have to use those services and often they are judged and treated unkindly because they look "well" though they are quite ill.

Hence, we have Invisible Illness Awareness Week, to educate others by sharing what we actually experience in our day to day lives.

Though it is difficult to deal with chronic illness, I am tremendously blessed. I have a wonderful, supportive husband, a loving family, caring friends, an excellent rheumatologist, and an understanding employer.

Of course I wish this disease wasn't with me but I have faith that God will bring me through it and use it for good somehow.

He always does.

Looking Forward To A Lovely (TIU) Fall

It's been a while since my last post, thanks to a nasty flare that was followed by a few really busy weeks.

So, to get caught up quickly, my RA will always have good and bad days but, overall, on my current meds I'm doing pretty well.

My pain is usually manageable, I got through last week at work with no sick time and my chemo side effects have fallen into a predictable pattern (a little rough on Saturday, worse on Sunday morning, then okay) now.

Also, over the past several months, I've been working on losing the substantial amount of weight that I gained during the two years I was on high dose prednisone therapy.

I've lost about 30 pounds but have another 35 pounds I want to lose, back to my pre-diagnosis weight.

Even more than for my appearance, getting back to my natural weight will take a lot of strain off my joints.

I have wanted the Tone It Up Plan for over a year, as it is a weight loss plan, but also is a gluten free, anti-inflammatory diet that focuses on the foods and exercises that my doctor already recommends for my RA.

So a win-win.

But, for a "membership", which mostly just is a PDF of their plan, and an occasional update, they charge $199. For. A. PDF. =O 

And that is just too much.

However, subscribing to their email list, following them on Instagram, and using their app, I've gotten lots of useful information for free.

Just not the plan.

And I hadn't expected to ever get it. 

BUT:

This weekend I learned that a friend of mine had the TIU plan and the updates and she learned that I had several e-books she really wanted.

Totally out of the blue and by accident.

Trade time anyone?

So last night this vision of loveliness appeared in my inbox:

And I've spent this evening looking through the startup information.

I've gotten enough put together to begin tomorrow even though I have lots more to read and will get it all printed out and put in a binder next week:

The nutrition part of the plan is on point for me and I can do it with no changes.

The exercise portion I will be modifying.

I will be doing 30 minute walks for cardio and yoga for strengthening. And that's it.

And, on sick days, I'll stick with the diet but exercise will be walking to the kitchen and back.

Such is life with RA. ;)

Still I am super stoked to start.

And for the next several days I'll also be geeking out and making goal lists and vision boards and getting my dork on in general.

Awesome it will be. =D

Happy Labor Day, y'all!

MTX Treatment #7

After last week was a total bear, I came home Friday night and took my weekly Methotrexate.

And then my energy level took a dive off a cliff:

I hibernated most of the weekend, was pretty sickly, missed church on Sunday, and was so weak by late Sunday night that I found myself in ER, only to be assigned Nursezilla, the WORST IV stick in the land:

After some testing, I was found to be dehydrated and anemic. 

I was given tons of fluids and IV iron, patched up, and sent home.

I rested through the day on Monday and then got myself back to work today.

Though I'm still sluggish, I'm also stubborn and glad to be back:

Needless, Methotrexate Round #7 was entirely too exciting.

The side effects so far: anemia, nausea and vomiting, fatigue, hair loss.

The kicker is that the longer I take it, the longer the side effects seem to last. 

For example, the nausea comes and goes all week, more or less, now.

However, I am also noticing that the strength in my hands is coming back, which is a huge gain, especially for a nurse who gives shots, draws blood, and does paperwork all day everyday.

Sooooo, at least to some extent, IT'S WORKING!!!! =D

As such, I am committed to riding this out and hoping the side effects improve, at least to the point of not landing me in the ER.

And, according to my rheumatologist, they should become more tolerable over time.

And, again I say, Hallelujah, it's working!

I just have to tough out the rough parts of it for awhile.

Taming the Beast

Last month, as I mentioned in a previous post, my primary diagnosis was changed to RA.

Because my autoimmune symptoms had gotten significantly worse, we also started a much more aggressive course of treatment.

This course of treatment takes about three months to work if it's going to.

In the meantime, the plan was to continue my other meds and manage symptoms.

And I agreed with this plan.

What I didn't know was that, while we are waiting to see if the treatment is going to work, the disease process would explode this month.

Really.

I have tried not to be a complainer and have often taken this approach:

I now realize that people who care about me really want to know what is going on and they can't be supportive or check in or pray during this unpleasant time if I'm not forthcoming about the situation.

Also, I'm afraid it may seem like I'm being anti-social or unfriendly at times, when, in actuality, my body has just gone on strike.

So, now, for a report of what has really been going on since the start of chemo:

I have had nasty pain and stiffness in both of my hands that is really bothersome. They tend to get worse through the day and I call them my bum hands because I have the worst time opening things and I am even more clumsy than I used to be (and that's really saying something). 

By nighttime, they often throb.

Thankfully, I can still give injections, write my nurse's notes (with my special fat pen), and type, even though those things are really uncomfortable some days.

Worse than my hands is the burning in my knees. Often they burn like they are on fire all day and the pain is severe. Medication helps the discomfort but it does not come close to stopping it right now:

Finally, in the past month, the pain I have in my lower spine that radiates into my right hip has also gone from moderate to severe and uncontrolled by medication.

I have other joints that occasionally give me problems but those are the areas that are a daily major issue right now in terms of pain.

There have been several times in the past month that it has been bad enough that I have considered the emergency room for pain relief and I normally wouldn't even entertain that idea:

With the pain comes stiffness all over my body that tends to make me walk like one of Frankenstein's relatives. It is really unpleasant. :(

Another major issue that has arisen is the total and complete exhaustion that comes with this level of flare.

I have had at least one sick day per week for the past four weeks at work.

Thankfully, my employer is very understanding, but, still, I hate this.

Finally, I am extremely heat intolerant so the summer temperatures are not agreeing with me at all right now.

I've been running fever intermittently pretty much every day.

Yuck.  

Please send lots of prayers and good vibes this way that this flare will lift.

Pray that I can finish out this week at work, enjoy taking Sara to the Motion conference this weekend without getting sick, and for wisdom for my doctor at my visit on Monday.

I know there has to be a combination of meds that WILL work and I believe we WILL find it.

I just hope it is soon.

Fingers and toes crossed.

My Bucket List: First Edition (Because Pastor Chris said we should all have one and I believe him =D)

Our "Dream Again" series at church started two weeks ago and it is so good.

If you haven't been following, you can catch up here:

https://www.churchofthehighlands.com

Last week, he suggested we all start keeping our own Bucket List of things we want to do in our lives.

While I have plenty of things I want to do and see, I've never written them down.

I'm sure this will have many additions as I remember other things but it's a start:

My Bucket List 7.15.15

1. Visit Italy and see the Vatican, hopefully while Pope Francis is still there.

2. The Wizarding World Of Harry Potter in Orlando because duh. ;)

3. See the Northern Lights

4. Participate in at least one Mission Bulgaria trip.

5. Learn to play guitar well.

6. See Les Mis on Broadway.

7. Visit Ireland and England.

8. See the Eiffel Tower.

9. Alaska!

10. Take my better half to Las Vegas to get remarried by Elvis, stay at the Golden Nugget to play on the water slide through the shark tank, and check out some shows. 

11. Write my own book - even if only three people read it.

12. Serve the church in youth or women's ministry. I felt called to when I was much younger and still feel that there is something for me to do there. It will come in God's time.

13. San Francisco

14. Washington DC

15. Machu Pichu

16. See my Saints play at the Superdome (hopefully more than once!)

17. See my Bo Sox at Fenway.

18. Greece

19. Train travel through Canada

20. Glacier National Park, Montana.

21. Celebrate my 65th Birthday with the stunning lavender hair I can't have right now (real jobs and all that stuff) and beautiful new tattoo. The grandchildren will be so proud. ;)

If you haven't give yours any thought, now is a great time!

Methotrexate Day 1

Today was the start of my new treatment adventure (Happy Independence Day to us!) and, so far, it has gone as well as I could have possibly hoped.

I've had some nausea, flu-like body pain, and fatigue that caused me to take a five hour coma-level nap (in all fairness, most of my sleep is coma-level. The tornado sirens are literally across the street from us and I can sleep through them. =O).

None of the super scary stuff though. 

My awesome husband has been home with me all day and taking good care of me. 

I am so blessed.

It is my understanding that the day after - known as "methotrexate hangover day" - can be rough and I HAVE to work Monday so, as much as I hate it, we are going to stay home from church tomorrow to rest and watch online instead.

I am so glad we do have online service so we don't have to miss entirely though!

Sunday is my very favorite.

Crossing fingers and toes that all continues to be well and trusting that it will.

 

I don't have cancer but I am starting chemo.

For the past several months, my hands, knees, lower spine, and right hip have been very painful quite often.

So when I went to my rheumatologist appointment yesterday, he determined that my currents meds have not been slowing the progression of my rheumatoid arthritis.

It is worsening.

He decided our next step is methotrexate, a chemotherapy drug I will take once a week.

Otherwise, none of my million meds changed at all.

I am a certified chemotherapy nurse but I haven't given it in probably eight or nine years so tonight will be homework night.

I will be sitting down in my pj's with my better half to watch the Deadliest Catch marathon (because - yay!), eat GF pizza, and do all my research.

Then, tomorrow, we are both off work for the holiday, and, other than running by the pharmacy to pick up my meds and talk to my pharmacist, it will be a "no medical stuff day."

We are going to celebrate our anniversary early and have plans to do a couple of fun things that I won't be able to do anymore after the chemo starts. More details on that later. (so very excited!) =D

Then, on Saturday morning, we start the meds.

Hopefully, I won't have side effects, and it will go smoothly, but we plan to be home all day to see.

More than anything, I am praying this will work and stop (or significantly slow) the joint damage and help control this pain and fatigue.

All prayers for this process are greatly appreciated!

The Affordable Care Act. . . What. A. Mess.

First, let me say that I am a HUGE supporter of public healthcare.

By that, I absolutely do not mean socialized medicine.

I mean any program that makes healthcare more accessible to those who need it.

Medicare.

Medicaid.

Allkids.

These are all good things.

And I wanted to see an expansion in those programs because I've seen too many of my patients suffer without insurance over the years.

I firmly believe the wealthiest country in the world can - and must - do better:

However, the Affordable Care Act is a mess.

And I don't even fully understand the confounded thing.

The things I do understand because I have experienced them as a nurse at a non-profit community mental health center since the ACA passed:

- Medicaid is completely restructuring, and, among other cuts, they are paying for fewer medications each month, so the poorest patients are still suffering. As in, "Sir, would you like your anti-depressant or your cholesterol medicine this month? You are at your limit of five meds already."

- Since private insurers costs have skyrocketed, they are cutting mental health benefits, causing a large local mental health practice to have to close its doors abruptly. Patients and staff are suffering as a result.

- Private insurers are also refusing to pay for some medications that they have always covered in the past. When a nurse submits a prior authorization for a medication, the reason "stable therapy > two years" has always been sufficient because they wouldn't want to chance a patient who was doing well becoming suddenly ill again. Well, not anymore. Now, if they have decided they aren't going to cover the medication, they just aren't. End of story.

And those are just a few work examples.

On a personal level, I understand that:

- My husband's monthly cost for our family's insurance has gone up tremendously.

- Our copays for office visits and medications have increased significantly.

- Several medications now require prior authorizations (hoops to jump through) that never have before.

As a patient with chronic illness, these changes add up to substantial additional healthcare burdens for our family.

Finally, though it did not affect us, when we did our taxes this year, our sweet accountant explained to us the penalties for not having insurance and they are insane.

If you can't afford coverage, you are going to pay dearly for not being able to afford it.

Who is this helping?

All that said, I was a bit disappointed that ACA made it through the Supreme Court today.

Because there must be something in place for sure but it needs to be much better than this convoluted hot mess of a healthcare act.

Surely it isn't too late to rethink, rework, do better?

I certainly hope not.

For Clementa, Cynthia, Daniel, DePayne, Ethel, Myra, Sharonda, Susie, and Tywanza

At 6 this morning, I got in the car with my husband, half asleep, to ride with him to work and he quietly told me some horrific news.

"Nine people were killed in a church in Charleston last night."

Honestly, I am still try to process that sentence.

As days go by and more information comes out, there will be conversations about our culture and guns and racial issues and mental health questions.

They started today.

And I'm not saying they aren't important conversations or that they shouldn't be had but right now let's all just stop and think.

Nine innocent people. At church. Praying. Having bible study. Worshiping.

And one evil godless monster murdered them in their church.

I cannot imagine.

When I walk into our church, no matter how bad I feel physically or how stressed I am or what else is going on, it's like a weight is just lifted.

I just walk in and BREATHE.

I love to sing praises and pray and listen to the Word and learn and worship.

I look forward to it all week.

No matter what we are dealing with in life, it gives me such a peace.

Our minister made me laugh so hard a few weeks ago when he said he wants us leave church feeling like we could go "bear hunting with a switch."

When I leave, I do.

I'm ready to take on another week.

I'm sure they felt the same way.

Our church is our safe place to be with God and our faith family.

It's not a place of fear where we look over our shoulder.

We aren't suspicious of strangers there. In fact, we want them to come. Lots of them.

And they welcomed him.

I do not know why he did what he did.

If I'm being honest, I do not care.

I want him to pay fullest extent of the law.

And I will not write his name.

He is not worth it.

I want to remember and honor them.

The victims:

Nine innocent people at church at 9 on a Wednesday night.

I want to send all of our love and support to their devastated families and church and community.

I want them all to know that they are loved and prayed over and they we grieve for them and with them.

I want them to know that we stand beside them in their brokenness tonight.

I do not understand this.

I'm sure I never will. 

But our God is bigger is than the acts of an evil wretched man.

Clementa, Cynthia, Daniel, DePayne, Ethel, Myra, Sharonda, Susie and Tywanza are in His presence now.

And He will hold their loved ones in the palm of His hand.

A new week, a new diagnosis. . .

There is rarely a dull moment with autoimmune patients but this week was particularly interesting.

My rheumatologist received the results of a bunch of really detailed, advanced, highly specific (those are all medical code words for expensive) tests and decided that my primary diagnosis is actually rheumatoid arthritis.

I am not particularly surprised, as I do have a family history, plenty of the symptoms, and the oh-so-attractive RA nodules.

At first, I was quite upset because my great aunt who had it suffered terribly with horrible joint pain and deformities. She was wheelchair bound for many years and also dealt with the awful side effects of long term high dose prednisone therapy which can get really ugly.

I immediately began having visions of not being able to take care of my family or my animals or my patients.

In my mind, briefly, my travel bucket list was also being taken away and replaced with a rocking chair at age 40.

Luckily, this was a short-lived nervous breakdown before the positives of this new primary diagnosis began to emerge:

- There are many more treatments available for RA than for most of the autoimmune diseases

- There are many more treatments for RA than there were thirty years ago when I remember my sweet aunt being so sick (so pipe down, Miranda's brain).

- Now that we know what is causing this insane body pain, we can begin to address it properly.

All of that was on the 10th.

Now that I've had a few more days to process this information, a weekend off work, and some much needed church this morning, I am feeling even better.

This afternoon, I rewatched Christine Caine's sermon at our church earlier this month and here is a link:

https://www.churchofthehighlands.com/media/message/possessing-the-promised-land

Y'all, I know I've mentioned it before. I'm sure I'll be mentioning it again.

Because:

It is one of the best sermons I've EVER heard.

It's one of those that is just right on time when you need it (like when the Lord knows you have some fan-freaking-tastic health news right around the corner) and it is chockful of the real deal good stuff.

Anyway, the central theme in her sermon that the truth of God's word is higher than any fact of this world and that is what we are to build our lives on.

As long as we are still waking up and kicking, God still has stuff for us to do.

It's that simple.

I know this to be true, I believe it with all of my heart, and I share the same thing with loved ones when they are facing illness as well.

It just takes a bit to recover from the tailspin of a new health issue.

Now, though, I have a great doctor who is carefully choosing the best medicine to start with, I have wonderfully supportive husband and family, and I will do all that I need to take good care of myself.

The rest is in God's hands and I believe that He has lots left for me to do and get into - even my travel bucket list. :)

This Bruce Jenner business really has me thinking. . .

But maybe not in the way Vanity Fair seems to want me to.

I get that the cover was meant to - and did - start a national conversation.

My Facebook blew up with posts and articles and debates about Bruce/Caitlyn.

Anyone who knows me knows that is physically impossible for me not to have an opinion on this or any other matter but I'm not going to express it here.

Because, big picture, it doesn't matter.

Earlier this week, before all this took over our newsfeed, I started a post that I hadn't finished.

I was really upset because I read a quote from President Obama, in which he said he doesn't think we are losing the fight against ISIS.

Let me quickly say that I personally like him a lot. This will not be one of those anti-president type rants that I am seeing around the interweb.

However, that statement bothered me terribly.

See, a few weeks ago I read a piece from Ann Voskamp about what is happening to women and children in Iraq when ISIS takes over.

Husbands murdered, young girls raped and brutalized, people starving, mothers having to choose which children to leave behind. . .

I cried when I read it and it has haunted me since then.

I encourage you to as well because I think it's important that we all know the truth about what is happening to these people:

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2015/05/into-iraq-2-what-the-news-isnt-telling-you-why-we-cant-afford-to-pretend-its-not-happening-sozans-impossible-choice-and-our-very-possible-one/

This rips my guts out.

And then came the news that ISIS took another city.

So I wonder how it is that we aren't losing fight against them.

Is it because it isn't happening to Americans? I certainly hope that isn't what was meant but it is what it sounds like.

And all of this horror just * POOF! * leaves our attention because Vanity Fair has a sensational new cover.

I know it's easy to get drawn in to the newest story and I'm not saying paying attention to what's going on around us is a bad thing.

But this:

This is much bigger.

This number includes victims of forced labor and sex trafficking.

If you read the link above, you saw that ISIS is selling nine year old girls for $100 to any man that wants them.

Many churches, including ours, partner with A21 and they do some amazing work.

They posted this yesterday:

15 people were rescued in one week internationally.

That is wonderful but with 27 million enslaved obviously much more help is needed.

So, again, does what Bruce is up to or what Vanity Fair is running this week really matter?

I don't think so.

I wish more than anything to see just a little of that attention and energy directed toward those who desperately need our help, our love, and our prayers.

Beauty For Ashes

I consider myself pretty tough and I try keep a brave face whenever I possibly can.

However, this past week has been the worst Lupus week I've faced in a long time.

My left hand is throbbing, my spine hurts and it radiates into my right hip, my right ankle is having a sharp pain that comes and goes, my knees are burning like they are on fire, my muscles ache like I have the flu, I have fevers that are coming and going, and I can't describe the kind of fatigue I feel except to say I feel like I'm trying to move in wet cement. I am so so tired.

I've been to the doctor and he has ordered more extensive testing so that my insurance will pay for more aggressive medication since my maintenance meds aren't keeping these flares at bay.

In the meantime, I take more prednisone, anti-inflammatory meds, muscle relaxers, bio-freeze, etc. 

I thank God tomorrow is Friday. 

I give extra thanks for my amazing husband who takes care of me when I'm sick.

I also give thanks for a rheumatologist who was still returning calls at 7:30 tonight. (What doctor still does that???)

I realize I am so blessed.

Still, it's hard not to get frustrated and a bit down when my body won't cooperate.

As I laid down tonight to do some reading, it was like all the messages that I needed to hear were just meant for me to see before bed.

First, I read tomorrow's Jesus Calling devotional because I know I will be dragging in the morning:

And it was just perfect.

Then I was looking online and caught a video by my favorite author, Kasey Van Norman.

Her book, Raw Faith, really changed my perspective on my illness because, though God did not cause it, He can use it to teach me to be totally dependent on Him.

I believe that whole heartedly.

Still, after a week like this, I really needed the reminder to think on.

Finally, I saw this:

I absolutely love this verse but, again, what perfect timing for it to appear.

God will bring beauty out of the ashes of pain.

We just have to hold on.